The Morbius and Madame Web screenwriters must be stopped for the sake of our sanity

Rejoice peons, for Madame Web is here! Yup, Sony Pictures’ latest entry in their ‘Spider-Man movies without Spider-Man’ universe is now in theaters, promising a “suspense-driven thriller” featuring a new team of spider-powered heroes so obscure even seasoned Marvel fans had to resort to fan wikis. The trailer generated.. uh.. let’s go with ‘much discussion’, and now the full product is out! So what’s the verdict?

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Oh dear. The post-mortem on Madame Web is going to be long and arduous, and no single person should bear the blame for this disaster. Critics have noted its garbled plot appears to be the result of intense reshoots, it’s burdened by a ludicrous Pepsi sponsorship that finds its way into multiple scenes, and star Dakota Johnson just seems embarrassed by the whole affair.

But hey, if we were in the blame-casting game, we’d be shooting some serious side-eye at screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Now, to be fair, we suspect that Sazama and Sharpless’ script saw several rewrites along the way (said script doctors are thanking their lucky stars that they’re anonymous right now), but their names are in the credits for this story, so they must take responsibility for it.

And it seems they’re carving out a hot reputation for themselves as true disaster artists. Sharpless and Sazama’s previous script was for Morbius. Yikes. Work on that script wrapped up in the late 2010s, with Sony so impressed by what the pair had delivered they immediately set them to work on Madame Web. You do not need me to tell you how Morbius turned out, but maybe that was a fluke?

Well, here’s Sazama and Sharpless’ previous screenwriting credits and the movies’ critical receptions.

The pair screamed out of the gate in 2014 with Dracula Untold, starring Luke Evans. This landed at 25% on the Tomatometer, with critics dubbing it “generic,” “defanged,” and “nonsensical.” Critics savaged the writing, noting “Sometimes, what a film needs is a good script, and this proves that some stories are probably best left untold“.

Undaunted, Sazama and Sharpless returned with The Last Witch Hunter a year later. This Vin Diesel caper managed just 18% on the Tomatometer, it “operates in a series of tropes and cliches” and was dismissed as “a bland attempt at franchise filmmaking.”

Heck, maybe third time’s the charm? Roll up for Sazama and Sharpless’ Gods of Egypt! This monumental flop scored a paltry 14% on the Tomatometer and was met with bafflement by critics and public alike. “Massively perplexing,” “does practically everything wrong,” “incomparably preposterous,” and “an utter failure” were just some of the colorful descriptions thrown around. It made a $90 million loss.

At this point, it seems that Sazama and Sharpless may have taken stock of their achievements to date. Three movies, three embarrassments. Not good. Between 2016 and 2022 they provided the story (but not the screenplay) for Power Rangers, which landed a relatively impressive 51% by the standards of the other movies listed here.

It was time for a comeback. A movie that proves that Sazama and Sharpless have what it takes to deliver a quality product. With an Oscar winner on board to star and close links to the most lucrative franchise in box office history, how could they fail? Oh, hi Morbius.

Now what has to be the worst screenwriting resume in modern Hollywood has had a rancid cherry plopped on top in the form of Madame Web. Do Sazama and Sharpless have some serious dirt on Hollywood executives? Did they make a wish on a monkey’s paw that they’d get to write blockbusters, only to be cursed that every single one is terrible? Is it a case of mediocre middle-aged men failing inexorably upwards? (Spoiler, it’s the last one).

To be fair, between writing awful movies Sazama and Sharpless were executive producers and showrunners on the okayish Lost in Space TV show, though even that had a mixed critical reception and, crucially, the pair for the most part delegated the scripts to others.

So please, Hollywood, we beg of you, hire some better writers! Morbius was awful but at least the memes were funny. Madame Web doesn’t even have that. We don’t know if we can survive another Sazama and Sharpless superhero movie!

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